2:27 am Confessions

I felt the need to share with you my thoughts at the moment.

Many a times when we view Instagrammers, health bloggers (such as myself), or even just the people we admire in our daily lives…we see the best of that person or persons. We see them at their best because who wants to share their worst? I think that sharing the positive and shining moments of our lives is great. It is more motivating, you may help others to improve a little each day, and it makes us feel good…to talk about the best in everyone.

However, I believe there is a fatal flaw in only sharing the glorified moments of our day. It isolates us. Makes the dark moments in our lives a bit darker when we feel alone and unable to be perfect as everyone else seems to be. Of course, we all know that no one is perfect…but it can sure as hell seems like it…and when we can’t mask our mistakes to match the perfection we admire…it’s hard to share or fix those feelings and actions.

That being said, I don’t want to be a hypocrite. The reason that at 2: 27 AM I am writing about this…is because I slipped up. I am not molding to my desired mold and not one would know. Everyone is sleeping, and no one is watching me. I could wake up tomorrow and pretend that my slip ups never happened and post a blog about how I am being a perfect example of health. But I am hoping to change an old habit of mine: hiding. I lie to myself about what I do by coating it over with excuses or I’ll start tomorrow’s and never letting others around me that I am slipping.

So, today…I am sharing. I am coming out of hiding and I am sharing the full me. To you, it might not be a significant confession. It might even sound…human. But I come to you sharing in hopes to both better myself and hold myself accountable as well and perhaps offer comfort to those who feel alone in this feeling of self-doubt and self-destruction. So, without further ado…here is my confession.

I strive to be a whole-food, plant-based vegan. A person who cares about my body and the world that I live on. I strive to be gluten -free for my body is intolerant and makes me sick. (blog explaining leaky gut.) I strive to meditate to keep myself grounded and exercise to keep my body active. I strive to sleep better hours and wake up and use my days wisely. I strive to always be honest and kind…and to always help when I can. I do my best to recycle and be conscious of how my choices effect both myself and others around me. The perfect me is consistent, healthy, and intelligent. Always ready to do what I can.

But I am not.

Of course, I do my best…but sometimes…I crave cheese filled quesadillas and bacon….and sometimes…more often than I would like to admit…I give into those cravings. There are nights that I choose to do everything but sleep and wake up lethargic and useless for the day ahead. I am terrible at having a day where I complete all of my goals listed about with out sabotaging it at 8pm with a carton of ice cream or a 34-oz. soda. I am great at giving advice to others of how to healthily deal with emotions while I eat to cover mine. I say consistency is key and rarely follow a habit. I sneak foods that make me sick…while knowing that they make me sick…for the momentary relief of satisfying a craving. I mess up on every single goal listed above…regularly…

This is not a confession to make me feel better, so I can continue on with my bad habits. Nor is it an encouragement to give you slack on your own goals. It is merely admitting my faults so that I both can recognize that I am a human being with lots of knowledge and little will power…and have accountability of the eyes that read this…that I am slacking in becoming the person that I love being.

So, let this blog be a promise…not only to you but to myself…that I will work my damn ass off to become the person I described a few paragraphs ago. For, the last year I lost myself to the feeling of being alone…but now the fear is greater that I lose myself forever if I don’t take steps to better myself now.

I promise that I won’t be perfect…and that there will still be days I am up at 4am and days that I will still eat ice cream. But I also promise that at 4am I am smiling and reading a book  and that container of ice cream will hold no animal products. I don’t expect myself to change into the perfect person I want to be overnight…I just expect myself to take the steps that will bring me closer to the person I want to be and the person I already am…just waiting to be revealed.

That is all. I hope that if nothing else…you no longer feel alone or maybe you just feel happy you aren’t loathing a container of ice cream. That is all for this early morning blog…I will see you in my blog…whenever I may post again. Have a wonderful day.

-K

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